You can’t troll the Internet without landing on some news or gossip item about the Chris Brown - Rihanna debacle. If you have been living under a rock (or simply have better thing s to do) after a Grammy party, R&B singer Chris Brown allegedly assaulted pop star Rihanna and then fled the scene. Needless to say the press, fans and fellow celebrities were up in arms, and talking heads went wild quilting facts and speculation, ambushing celebrities as they exited their favorite eateries asking their opinions on the matter.
After weeks of listening, reading and watching clip after clip, Miz. Ann Thrope can stand it no more, and though I may not be a celebrity I would like to fervently weigh in, not so much on the topic of what happened- that’s a no brainer, it was a travesty and there is no excuse – none for what happened. Not to sound like a PSA, but violence is never the answer. Allegedly there were bite marks on Rihanna’s arms- what the hell? Now I have to say I am curious as to what got Chris Brown so wound up that he went all Mike Tyson on the girl? Hitting never ok but cannibalism? What man tries to take chunks out of a woman? We are all familiar with the mantra of if he hits once, he’ll do it again, so does that mean if he bites once, you’re an appetizer, give him a second chance you’re an entrée?
I digress; my real issue is with the media and public reaction to the incident. My first peeve is the way that is has been classified as “Domestic Violence”. The legal definition of domestic violence is thus:
“Any abusive, violent, coercive, forceful, or threatening act or word inflicted by one member of a family or household on another can constitute domestic violence.”
To my knowledge the two are not married do not cohabitate and since they are dating and neither are from below the Mason Dixon Line, they are not family members. Based on the classification it was assault and battery not domestic violence. These are two kids 19 (Brown) 20 (Rihanna) they are dating, not engaged, not living together, how did this get labeled Domestic Violence? We all know that the media and those on the blogesphere like to upgrade - “Domestic Violence” it’s a “Sexy term” and before you get your panties in a knot I don’t mean sexy as in good, I mean it’s incendiary – gets people all riled up, it’s Pavlovian- we hear it as we are instantly enraged. Where as Assault- not so powerful; first because, let’s face it, it’s so prevalent, and second it does not imply gender- Sorry to my gays but we still think of domestic partners and Male and Female.
There is another aspect of the illegal upgrade of terms that troubles me, and that would be the inflation of the relationship from the beginning stages of courtship to the legal binding, interweaving of lives, homes, finances etc. when you upgrade in this situation you take two people who are so young, have been dating for a year or so, and are still figuring out whether they want to spend the next months together to the level of having chosen a life time commitment with legal binding- sharing a home, filing taxes, in-laws, children etc. Ok I hear you saying, “Well whose to say that couples dating don’t share those things?” Well they might however, there is a huge difference when you are sharing a domicile, when your finances are entangled, and perhaps you have children. One of the most insidious elements of true domestic violence is the idea that the battered party may have great difficulty in extricating themselves from the situation because of the aforementioned things. It’s one of the chief reasons battered women stay; they have no where to go, no money, and fear. When you are dating someone and still have your autonomy, your own home, independence, (though psychologically it may be just as hard) physically and legally it is easier to separate from the abuser. Speaking psychologically, there is also loyalty, a sense of being beholden to your mate as the totality of your lives are intertwined- the guilt or fear of leaving, might be overwhelming. It looks like apples and oranges to me.
The reason this gets me going is because so much of our society if build on the Appearance of things rather then the reality. If you are driving a luxury car it looks like you can afford it, the same with handbags, shoes, and homes- the reality as we are so painfully finding out is that the majority of folks are in debt for an image. We are all about boosting the upgrade, with relationships, we meet someone and there is no moment to get to know, make up your mind, it’s hyper drive from “Who are you?” to “That’s ma Boo”. The texting, the jumping into to bed, the possessiveness, the drama of the Baby’s Mama, and before you know it you’re all entangled and it’s been two weeks (Romantic Comedy Syndrome) the process of developing relationships is antiquated in our high tech world. The benefit of taking it slow was that is afforded you the time to spot the red flags that could save your life. Crazy doesn’t stay quiet for long! (You can’t tell me I’m wrong) Like a my Godfather once told me, “If a person wants to move forward that good foot can’t stay in front for long”.
Over the past decade the instances of violence in teens has risen and is all too common. We have high school couples who have increased the intensity and drama in there upgraded relationships calling each other “husbands” and “wives” which is all fine we did it back in the day but in light hearted jest, however now some this children are taking it to mean that a young girl belongs to him, and should Obey him, and that he has in some twisted sense of reasoning the right to lay hands on her like he was her father (Whoops now a days her daddy can barely tan a hide without being charged) something has gone awry. Teens are mimicking what they are seeing, we are giving them the information that this is what a relationship looks like. Adolescence is a training ground. We need to upgrade the training program by getting real as adults and creating some relationship models that don’t involve an emergency room visit
Let’s stop playing games, let’s get real, it’s abuse, yes, it’s assault, yes, it is not domestic violence, there is well enough drama in the situation without an accelerant. Chris Brown ASSAULTED his girlfriend. I’m not trying to belittle their relationship rather put it into perspective.
Now you know I love my gossip blogs solely for the fact that it keeps me current so that I relate to the youth (oh give my points for a plausible excuse) a number of these sites have referred to the incident as being a “Beat down” and THAT pissed me off, or so many reasons. Now I know we are talking about a gossip blog but to refer to this assault as a beat down? There is a flag on play- foul! It just sounds insensitive, I have always thought of a beat down a kind of ha ha, something you go “DAMN” with your hand over your mouth as giggle a little sort of tone to it. Shug Knight, gets beat down, or has some one beaten down, scantily clad club girls vying for the attention of some overly tatted up (more than likely short) rapper dole out beat downs, the chicks on the Bad Girls Club engage in beat downs, but a man putting his hand on a woman who he is in an intimate relationship with not so much. I know it’s a hip term but it lacks respect for the severity of what happened. I know there are those who won’t agree, those who will think that I’m over reacting, but words have power and when you use a relaxed fit colloquialism in reference such an offensive act downgrades it. Using the proper- legally harsh term Assault and Battery will remind those who might think of it as a “Beat down” that their asses can go to jail for laying their hands on someone- it’s no joke and it’s not casual. Let’s stop treating it that way by using casual language. Enough!
Which brings my to my final issue with this whole fiasco: When are we going to realize that the adage “You reap what you sow” is not just a catchy phrase from that perennial best seller. It’s true, when has anyone planted a tulip and gotten a cabbage? We pump violence, all sorts of violence into our society in every form and fashion, and then when we get desensitized to one level what do we do? That’s right we upgrade, look at slasher movies from the seventies and current films like the SAW series, gone is the insinuation, we need to see the gore. I recall in the 1995 when the Xena Princess Warrior series debuted I loved her; she was an Amazon, strong, fearless, and could kick ass. Where she could hold her own (and as the heroine most times she came out on top) it always disturbed me that the villains (often men) would come at her full force without compunction that she was a woman. It was almost never mentioned. We see more inter-gendered fights in movies and television, Buffy the Vampire Slayer comes to mind, and it’s somehow ok, it always gives me an uneasy feeling when I see it, that fight scene in Mr. & Mrs. Smith disturbing… Then there is the Hip-Hip culture long known for its misogyny and the glorification of the Pimp/Hoe culture. Even when these mediums seek to “educate” there is still this perverse underlying glamorization of the subject – the glamorization of the victim as they get revenge, seldom do we see the after math of them dealing with the process of healing after the event. Not quite the Romantic Comedy Syndrome, but something akin.
We have become a society that preaches violence, and greed with almost every breath. For us Shakespeare’s “To thine own self be true”, has come to mean, “I’m just doing me, screw everybody else - screw the outcome as long as I am fine it’s all good” No it is not! Let me let you in on a little secret, personally I fear outside, foreign terrorist less then some of the kids I take the subway with. We won’t have to be attacked, our enemies can just sit back and watch as we self destruct from moral decay and self-harming. It hurts my heart to see that lack of respect, regard and tolerance we as neighbors, countrymen, as human beings display. The fact that the greed is so great that media outlets, run by adults, the majority of whom have children, couldn’t see fit to take the high road in this situation- sure it’s “news” it’s salacious, yes but these are two individuals barely cutting their teeth on adulthood, and they just hit a huge, painful learning curve. There are times when less is more we really don’t need to see her battered police pictures, we know all too well what a beaten woman looks like, and if per chance you have forgotten, turn on any television station, go to a movie, hell walk down a street, it shouldn’t take long before your memory is jogged.
Leave it alone.
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